[A letter to myself at the age of 15; as catalyzed by Erica Paredes.]
Things are going to be okay. I need you to remember that, because though the roughest part is over, there’s still heartache waiting to come into rotation. And it will remain that way for a long time to come, but it gets easier to handle over time - primarily because it’ll come to the point where you know not to sweat the small stuff, but more intrinsically, that God does exist and once you understand the master plan, the hurt becomes a catalyst for happiness.
I’ll give you the good news, and the bad news. Take both with a grain of salt.
Mom and Dad are never going to get back together. As a matter of fact, it seems like the happiest days are over for both of them. Maybe Mom still has a phase of her life ahead where she’ll find complete peace and a sense of accomplishment, but Dad…well. Dad died, Sarah. And he finally learned to reach out to you towards the end, but you had already shut the door. Albert took it pretty hard, and the house is still not the home from our childhood, but with every day, week, month, year that goes by, it’s getting better. You’re going to find yourself retracing a great deal, filtering out the chaos, and saving the beauty of the days in Hong Kong - the trips around the world. The good that Mom and Dad showed you; their strength, their dedication, their love of culture and travel, the music - these, you must take with you. The bad; isolation, anger, pride - these, you must learn to leave behind. And when you no longer make the mistakes that they made, and your children no longer make the mistakes that you made, their children will continue to improve, and live in growth and love, and this will be your way of saying thank you.
Your dreams of success? They’re all going to come true. Well, maybe not the Advertising Executive part, but you’ll find yourself tied to the industry really soon. You’ll be on MTV, and you’ll be good at what you do. I know you’re already starting to make your own money doing commercials and things - and I’ll tell you this much: your career is going to be a source of pride and solace for you in the years to come. Remember to treat everyone with respect and gratitude. There will be a number of not-so-real friends and colleagues along the way, but love, even them, with reckless abandon. It’ll be worth it. You will find yourself on the top of the world. Do not forget that though you were born to reach for the sky, and live with your head in the clouds, that your feet must always stay firmly planted on the ground. Stay true to that never-waning voice from within that tells you you can do more. You can. Oh, and Sarah - you’ll earn a great deal of money in a short amount of time. 60% of it needs to go straight to savings. The other 40%? Get creative and start a business with part of it. Keep some for you, donate some to the less fortunate, pamper your loved ones with the rest.
Now my dear girl, your ideals on love and perfection? They’ll be shattered, shredded, set on fire, then dampened. Then when you feel like all is lost, they will be elevated to heights you never imagined. Sex. I know the word makes you cringe and blush right now, but you need to listen. I know you want to wait for the right guy to lose your virginity to. I know you said you’d wait til you were at least 21. I’m telling you now, that you are on the right track. But sometimes the only way for you to learn lessons, is for everything you know and stand for, to be stripped from you. And it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but it will be. Pay attention now.
You will be 16 years old, and graduate as the youngest in your class - some say, the youngest in your school’s recent history. You will feel empowered and in control. You will feel free. Soon after graduation, that source of pride and sense of self will be robbed from you. I want to tell you that you could’ve kicked and punched him harder, you could have screamed louder - there were people there that day, that may have heard you. I want to be there to hug you afterwards, and even if you still choose not to tell anybody, I want you to know that the decision you made to stay with him - hoping it would make things right…hoping you would fall in love and be able to say that he was the right guy after all…you were lying to yourself with such frightening severity. Don’t ever, EVER, do that again. But know that the hate will dissipate. You will forgive, both him and yourself. Eventually, it will be beyond okay.
There will be people in your life that play important roles. Know that some are there to teach you a lesson, then move on. Others are there for you to teach a lesson to. Do not belittle or idolize anyone. You are all equal in many respects, and everyone - rich or poor, young or old, positive or negative - everyone has something you can stand to learn from. Always listen as well as you talk. Always say what you mean, and mean what you say. Listen to your elders - they are wise with experience, and though you will need to live through these yourself to truly understand, you will be better prepared knowing that those generations ahead of you, all went through similar things.
You told Mom a couple of years ago that you didn’t want to take First Communion. You told her you were too young to understand what it meant, and wanted to see what other religions stood for before you committed. How you knew that at the age of 8 is a mystery, but I’ll tell you this much - you finally took your First Communion on the day of your church wedding. You were finally ready. God, and the concept of religion, will change drastically for you as the years flow by. I ask that you never let it be a source of confusion, or a burden. Your relationship with Him will grow as you mature, and it is possibly the most beautiful relationship you will ever have, so find love in it.
There is so much more I want to tell you, and I’m beginning to think this may be a source of inspiration for the book I want to write. The book that you want to write. I guess there’s something you as a 15 year old can still teach me - something you can help me find again. Your marriage, your daughter, your friends…it paints a beautiful picture. I’ll continue working on it sometime, but for now, let me leave you with a blessing:
Dear 15 -
You do not feel beautiful. You are.
You do not feel loved. You are.
You think dreams are games you play with your imagination. They are more than that. They’re the blueprint for your life.
You will ultimately be, beyond okay.
Love,
28.
I wonder if it’s going to take seven more years for me to be able to write to myself with this much grace and compassion and wisdom. This was such a beautiful read.
